Warning

This post is toxic! Read at your own risk!

The following are purely based on my own views. I'm not bashing competitive programming.

Competitive programming makes me depressed. I know the difference between being sad and depressed. I have been diagnosed with depression. And ever since I touched competitive programming, I have gotten myself deeper into this cycle of torment.

By nature, competitive programming being a competitive activity always has an element of trying to get better than everyone else. So when I first started competitive programming, my depression would get worse if I performed poorly. But when I performed great, I won't get "happy" (anyone with depression knows how you can't ever be happy). Instead I would just not get suicidal.

After a year or so, I slowly got acclimatized to this cycle. My performance in contests affects me less. I thought I was off the hook. But I quickly realize that my indifference resulted from my loss of interest in life. Competitive programming has taught me not only algorithms, but it has taught me how life is meaningless and pointless.

I don't quite know the exact moment, but somewhere along my CP journey, I just stopped caring. All I wanted was death and I would have suicidal thoughts almost everyday. But like a coward I am, I can't bring myself to do it.

Competitions are funny. When I get sent for a competition, the amount of training I get usually increases. This helps my mind off the bad thoughts. But as soon as it is over, I no longer have that distraction. And those increased training left my soul even emptier.

Being depressed, I don't have any hobbies. I tried some. But none worked for me.

In a way, competitive programming is like an abusive relationship. I know it hurts me, but I somehow just kept sticking to it. Because as soon as I let it go, it won't take me long to realize I have nothing left.

I hate myself. I just want to die.

Sorry if the post is poorly structured. I just thought I'd leave something behind just in case I kill myself.