How do I stop doing it? I know I can achieve something if I keep practicing, I have many possibilities. I got everything I have through CP, but what did it cost me? After every round on Codeforces (and I've written a really great deal of them), I feel like a lowly loser every time. Every time I finish another competition and cry because I hate myself. Every fucking time I make the stupidest marks and there's no cure. hasn't been a cure in 5 years. Every time there are situations along the lines of: I came up with a problem from reading, it's very simple. But while I'm writing it, I make a billion different and every time new mistakes. In every line. It's killing me. I come out of div2 realizing that I should have closed it, and ended up passing d with +4 and my performance is 2000, when I almost never have 2600+ level problems.

If I blow it, I'll spend the rest of my life blaming myself for having so many such great opportunities, I had dreams, I was constantly going for some goals. But every fucking time, I fuck up. Every time after EVERY Olympics I realize that I fucked it all up again for no apparent reason. I really don't understand why this happens. Recently my team and I wrote the All-Russian Team Olympiad and we were sure of gold(top4). We really didn't even fking doubt it. We've been writing awesome training sessions, and here we are. And here we go. And here we go. Top 23. I'm serious... 2 years ago at this Olympics, I was on a team with someone stronger than me, but we made top 5. Even though he was stronger, but that was 2 years ago and the hardest problem we solved was completely invented and written by me.

A year ago the guys wrote without me (I was in the hospital) and they wrote to top18.

Believe me, there isn't a single competition, other than the ones I've closed, after which I don't regret how dumb I was.

I really want to end it all, but I won't be able to live peacefully with the thought that I didn't even try, it will eat away at me that much harder I hate my life. I've hated it since the day I was born.